Poland v England. 16/10/12

"We can put a man on the moon and split the atom but we can't shut the roof on a bloody football stadium"

Poland P-P England. Stadion Narodowy.
Tuesday 16/10/13

Thank God for Ryanair. Four words that you are about as likely to hear together as "Ann Widdecombe is hot". But this is a genuinely heartfelt thanks to Michael O'Leary for the fact that he was able to fly me to Lodz and back for less than £60 so that the trip to see the World Cup qualifier between Poland and England wasn't a massive and pointless black hole in the wallet.

It rained so hard that people turned to blurs

Stadion Narodowy from the outside was impressive. It would
be more impressive inside if the roof shut.

You see because of the incompetence of whoever runs Stadion Narodowy in Warsaw - and I suspect it may be Frank Spencer - there was no game to see. Rain that would have had Noah working double time had fallen in the 24 hours before the game and despite that, nobody seemed to have the brainwave of making use of the fact the stadium has a retractable roof.

Oh look, an open roof. That seems sensible

Indeed, there wasn't even any sort of announcement that the game had been called off inside the stadium. Most England fans found out via text messages or calls from home that it had been postponed before Mr Spencer had the good grace to inform those in the ground.

More suited to Tom Daley than Wayne Rooney

It was pretty obvious from the moment you got a glimpse of the Stadion Narodowy pitch that there was going to be no football played. Both goal mouths were covered in surface water and it certainly didn't need the match official to come out and throw a ball around for ten minutes to confirm it. What he should have done is called for more volunteers from the stands to invade the pitch, as two chaps did to act out a penalty shoot out with an invisible ball before aquaplaning away from the chasing stewards in scenes that could have come straight from a Chuckle Brothers show - with Paul and Barry funnily enough being another two men who could have done a better job than the Polish FA.

These pitch invaders stage a penalty shoot out to alleviate
the boredom

Cue the Benny Hill music as the invaders aquaplane away from
the chasing stewards

The stadium itself was very impressive. Built for the recent European Championships, it was due to be packed to capacity for this game and the atmosphere would have been raucous if the flag display before the postponement was anything to go by. The outside of the ground was lit up in red and white which made for a nice spectacle. What didn't was the three security checks England fans had to go through before getting to the turnstile, by which team the weather had turned most peoples tickets to mush making them incompatible with the scanning machines.

Polish fans do their display with it being obvious there will
be no football today

Easily the best thing about the stadium was the toilets and chiefly the fact they featured a large number of those new Dyson airblade hand dryers. It led to the surreal scene of a plethora of England fans stripping off in order to dry their clothes. Not that it made much difference as two minutes after leaving the venue you were soaked to the bone again.

Lack of football aside, it was a very decent trip. Ryanair flew me into Lodz from where an £8, two hour train to Warsaw was taken. Anywhere you can buy pints for £1.20 or drink  flavoured vodka straight is always likely to be a good time and this was no different. The city itself used to be something of a concrete jungle but has shaken off a lot of it's communist past in recent years with western style skyscrapers popping up all over the place. The crown jewel of these tall buildings remains one that was built by the Soviets however in the form of the Palace of Culture and Science - even if the locals don't tend to think so.

Palace of Science and Culture - a great communist building

The Old Town was a beautiful part of the city and the place to drink before the game, which I unfortunately missed having spent most of Tuesday afternoon in bed sleeping off one of the most horrific hangovers ever. That was induced after drinking with a Leeds and a Watford fan in a bar the previous evening and partaking in "White Ghosts" - shots which basically made me into what they are named after.

White Ghosts - the worst drinks in the world

Having walked to the ground for the game - a huge mistake that left my shoes needing three straight days of drying once home - the metro was taken back and a quick search on the internet back at the £9 a night hostel made it pretty apparent that extending the visit by a day to take in the rearranged trip wasn't really on the cards.

The three day trip cost just £150 in total for flights, accommodation and food and drink so even though it ultimately proved to be a total waste of time in footballing terms, it was ultimately not a total waste of an obscene amount of money. It could have been had I been hit with a large fine for not having a valid metro ticket on the way to Warsaw Central Station for the journey back to Lodz, but when the ticket guard realised I was English he kindly let me off due to the football debacle, even offering his appologise on behalf of Poland. Perhaps he knew Mr Spencer? But thank God for him. And most importantly, one last time - thank God for Ryanair.

Alemannia Aachen v Darmstadt 98. 06/10/12

"What the hell is a potato beetle?"

Alemannia Aachen 1-1 Darmstadt 98.
Neue Tivoli. Saturday 06/10/12.

Cologne has it all - a bloody great cathedral, a plethora of great little bierkellers, a river, a chocolate factory and a bridge. It is also very well connected (even by German standards) in terms of trains and that made it the perfect location from where to launch a trip to the 3.Bundesliga game between Alemannia Aachen and Darmstadt 98.

Cologne Cathedral - one of the worlds finest

Aachen have fallen on hard times in recent seasons. They reached the last 16 of the UEFA Cup in 2005 having qualified as runners up in the German Cup the previously season and they spent 2006-07 in the Bundesliga. They moved into Neue Tivoli, a 33,000 stadium in 2009 but since then it's been all downhill with financial mismanagement that would make even Peter Ridsdale blush. For this campaign they find themselves in the third tier with relegation into the regional leagues and bankruptcy a very real possibility.

Needing all the help they can get then, Rumble and I decided to give them some hard earned cash through our attendance and even had the good grace to take along a couple of women with us for their first experience of German football. Who says romance is dead?

Bitburger and a match ticket

It's certainly not dead in Cologne, Germany's unofficial gay capital. On my previous visit in 2010 we spent the majority of it accidentally frequenting the cities gay bars which ultimately led to a huge man putting his hand down my trousers and onto my bare bottom. With two girls on tour this time, that was thankfully avoided.

Fruh Kolsch remains my favourite of the various types of Kolsch you can sample in Cologne which naturally makes Fruh am Dom opposite the cathedral the best place to drink in the city. We spent Friday morning in there, moving onto the cobbled streets between the cathedral and the riverfront in the evening to put away a fair share of varying types of beer which was excellent preparation for the Saturday.

Aachen Town Hall

Aachen itself is about 45 minutes on the train and the German football regulation hangover cure of Jagermeister poured into a beer was very much needed. After arriving in the town we had a cheeky look around the cathedral and the grand town hall before catching a bus straight to the ground. We'd heard good things about the fans bar at the stadium and it was even better than first thought once we arrived at the Neue Tivoli.

Der Neue Tivoli

Just incase you didn't know where you were...

The ground itself is not too dissimilar to new builds in England - in the middle of nowhere with just retail outlets for company. Inside, it's like a German version of Leicester/Southampton/Middlesbrough (delete as appropriate). Stands all of the same size, single tiered with the main stand having a row of executive boxes behind it. The difference of course being that this is the Fatherland and so behind one of the goals you have an 11,000 capacity terrace - the Bitburger Wall - which is where we found ourselves with the raucous home support. No problems if you needed the toilet there, with the gents featuring no less than 25 individual urinals. Yes, I counted them.

Not quite a full house for this huge 3.Bundesliga game

25 urinals - the ultimate football stadium toilet

And now for more on that fans bar. Put simply, imagine the best fans bar you can and then make it ten times better and you have what the Neue Tivoli does. Built into the stadium, you showed your match ticket to go in and after that you didn't have to leave to re-enter the ground via a turnstile - that was it, you were in the stadium. There was merchandise on the walls, Bitburger galore and even table service. We were served by a wonderfully attractive young barmaid with beer after beer and before we knew it it was kick off time. No worries there sir, just go through a set of glass doors and you are straight on the concourse, where you can buy more beer for the game.

Tivoli fans bar - table service all round

Alemannia fans enjoying some pre-game beers in the
wonderful fans bar

The game itself was pretty poor, two second half goals seeing it end in a 1-1 draw in pretty horrific wind and rain. One moment of magic the like of which Sky Sports News would show on loop for two weeks if it happened in the Premier League was the opening goal from Aachen's Denis Podzer after he collected a throw in on his chest, did some keepy uppys and then hit a dipping volley from about 30 yards over the keeper. Wunderbar! Kacper Tatara grabbed a far less glamorous equaliser for Darmstadt.

The Bitburger Wall with the Aachen Ultras far up to the left

With entertainment lacking on the pitch, it allowed plenty of time to admire the atmosphere created despite the fact the stadium was half empty and the visiting supporters were stuck high up in the opposite rafters and to devote towards appreciating what surely is the most bizarre nickname in European football - the potato beetles. After the game, our conversations back in the fans bar (where else?!) led us to discover Aachen are called that because of the yellow and black striped shirts sharing a resemblance to the insect. And that was enough to encourage even more much needed cash into the coffers with the purchasing of a toy potato beetle.

Help save Alemannia Aachen - buy a potato beetle

With each pint being justified as helping to "save" the club after the game, it took us until three hours after the final whistle had blown to finally leave Neue Tivoli for Aachen town centre and the train back to Cologne. Saturday night and Sunday afternoon were spent drinking down by the river and singing "Fog on the Rhine is all mine all mine" much to the confusion of the locals.

The world will be a poorer place without them so fingers very much crossed for the survival of the Potato Beetles - Alemannia Aachen that is, not the insect*

Alemannia Aachen's main stand

Karls Bande

*Just for the clarification of PETA and any other animal lovers out there, I do not wish extinction on the potato beetle. I just prefer Alemannia Aachen.

Alemannia Aachen: Michael Melka, Christian Weber, Thomas Stehle, Seyi Olajengbesi, Fabian Baumgartel, Kai Schwetfeger, Timmy Thiele, Timo Brauer, Marcel Heller, Denis Pozder 1 (Kristoffer Andersen), Oguzhan Kefkir.

Darmstadt 98: Jan Zimmermann, Andreas Gaebler, Cem Islamoglu, Christian Beisel, Michael Stegmayer, Hanno Behrens, Danny Latza (Marcus Steegmann), Preston Zimmermann, Elton da Costa, Uwe Hesse (Sebastian Zielinsky), Kacper Tatara 1 (Marc Schnier).

Attendance: 13,700.

Bayern Munich v Hertha Berlin. 15/10/11

"I'm Arjen Robben's brother. Can't you tell, I'm bald. Can we get a beer?"

Bayern Munich 4-0 Hertha Berlin. Allianz Arena.
Saturday 15/10/11.

Munich is one of my favourite cities in the world. It has everything the true redblooded male could want - beer in steins, a plethora of bierkellers and an aversion to any food substance that doesn't feature enough meat to clog an artery in an instant.

It also has the Allianz Arena, from the outside probably the most impressive stadium in the world. The inside doesn't quite live up to that but it is still a vast bowl and remains one of my favourite stadiums. Another reason why Munich is a popular destination.

Last time we were there it was for an absolute cracker of a 2.Bundesliga game between the cities poor relations 1860 Munich and Hansa Rostock. This time around it was to see the big boys and one of the finest teams in Europe, Bayern Munich taking on recently promoted Hertha Berlin.

Munich Town Hall - a wonderful building

Arriving at 9am with kick off not until 3pm is no problem in Bavaria as all the pubs open up for breakfast. The Hofbrauhaus is Munich's most famous establishment through it's world renowned beer and it's connections to Adolf Hitler and the early days of the NAZI party. My favourite bierkeller however is the Augustiner Keller, which is where we spent our pre-game drinking while consuming a large amount of meat, of course.

The Allianz is about a 20 minute U-Bahn journey from the city centre and is basically in the middle of what looks like a zombie wasteland. Linked into the station is a small shopping centre type place which features a couple of bars and it was here we learnt a trick that can only be considered life changing for all the wrong reasons.

Jager in a pint - ingenious from our German friends 

It's probably best described as the ultimate Jagerbomb - a small, shot bottle of Jagermeister dropped into a pint glass. I'm no Albert Einstein so I can't explain to you why the laws of physics means that the Jager stays in the bottle until you reach the end of your pint, we'll just have to accept it does. But when you do get down to the final quarter it is released creating a cocktail of strong German beer and strong German spirit. Ingenius.

Is it a giant tyre or a football stadium? The Allianz in all her glory

From the station you cross the barren wasteland beneath which there are car parks serving the stadium which looks like, depending on your frame of mind, a tyre, an inflatable boat or a huge exotic coiled up snake. It really is a fantastic sight and in an attempt to brighten up the dull location, Bayern have put a variety of activities outside the ground for fans to take part in such as a penalty shoot out and a giant inflatable bear which seemed to achieve nothing other than being a giant inflatable bear.

The former Defence Secretary Liam Fox joins the Bayern team

Everybody - that is home and away fans without any signs of trouble - enters the stadium through one vast turnstile block from which you can walk all the way around the outside exterior of the ground. Inside it's a three tiered effort that appears to be far bigger than it's 70,000 capacity . The majority of the noise comes from a terrace behind the goal which is small in comparison to the rest of the place and with the Hertha fans shoved miles away up with the Gods at the other end of the stadium, it didn't lead to much of an atmosphere given the fact that it was full on the day.

Inside the mighty Allianz

The home fans gathered on the terrace

It was a straight forward 4-0 victory for Bayern as they hammered home their title credentials as well as showing up Hertha's relegation chances. The scoresheet was a who's who of some of the worlds best players with Mario Gomez ,Franck Ribery and Bastian Schweinsteiger all on it within the first 15 minutes and Gomez adding a second half penalty. Manuel Neuer probably could have bought his bed onto the pitch and had a 90 minute nap if he wanted to.

Munich camped in Hertha's half. Pretty much the picture for the entire game

Getting away was surprisingly easy given the 69,000 fans and just one station for those using public transport and before long we were back in the city centre, joining a hen do for the evening after buying biscuits and schnaps attached to the bride-to-be's dress as is German custom, attempting to get free pints by claiming Rumble was Arjen Robben's brother due to them both being bald and ultimately drinking steins and singing songs with some locals in traditional Bavarian style in the Hofbrauhaus. That included lifting a heavy wooden table up with just two fingers from each hand with surprising ease. Must have been something in the beer - Bruce Banner needed a gamma ray to get superhuman strength, the average man can just drink three steins of Hofbrau.

Joining a hen do....

And lifting a table with our German friends in the Hofbrauhaus

Of course, it is not just the Allianz that Munich has as it's sporting venue and no trip would be complete without a visit to the Olympic Park for stunning views over the city and the nearby alps from the top of the Olympic Tower and the 1972 Olympic Stadium - scene of England's last memorable performance when even Heskey scored back in 2001.

The Olympic Stadium

Standard issue Olympic Stadium photo

In fact, it's not just those two venues either as in true/sad ground anoraks we even found time to visit Grunwalder Stadium, former home of Bayern and 1860 before the Olympic Stadium opened and currently used be the two sides reserve teams, making it former Tranmere man Dale Jennings' home ground.

Grunwalder - home of Bayern and 1860's reserves

Wonderful ticket window buying facilities

Three stadiums, Hofbrauhaus, Augustiner Keller and one of the best sides in the world smashing four goals in one of the most comprehensive top flight performances you are likely to see - thats why Ich leibe Munich.

Pint and football

The Allianz from the Olympic tower

The world famous Hofbrauhaus

Bayern Munich: Manuel Neuer, Jerome Boateng, Daniel van Buyten, Holger Badstuber, Philipp Lahm (Diego Conetento), Bastian Schweinsteiger 1, Anatoliy Tymoshchuk, Thomas Muller (David Alaba), Toni Kroos, Franck Ribery 1, Mario Gomez 2 (Ivica Olic).

Hertha Berlin: Thomas Kraft, Christian Lell, Andre Mijatovic, Roman Hubnik, Levan Kobiashvili, Andreas Ottl, Peter Niemeyer, Patrick Ebert (Fabian Lustenberger), Raffael, Anis Ben-Hatira (Alfredo Morales), Pierre-Michel Lasogga (Adrian Ramos).

Attendance: 69,000

Bulgaria v England. 02/09/11

"Why would anybody who looks like Janet Street Porter think their calling in life is to run a fetish club?"

Bulgaria 0-3 England. Vasil Levski Stadium.
Friday 02/09/11.

The first rule of going abroad - always check the weather forecast. Something that was dearly forgotten for this trip to Sofia for England's Euro 2012 qualifier with Bulgaria.

Boiling hot weather and one pair of jeans is a combination that goes about as well together as Nick Griffin being a guest speaker at Martin Luther King day. So when you pack just one pair of hot, stuffy denim jeans for four days away it's pretty much a disaster.

Alexander Nevski Cathedral

Apart from the wardrobe malfunction, this was a wonderful trip. It's doubtful many people would pick Sofia as a holiday destination but when the weather is good, the women are unbelievable, it's dirt cheap, you can fly there with easyJet for £40 and accommodation is £12 a night then you are always onto a winner.

Of course, there was a drawback to that accommodation and that was sharing a double bed. Thankfully, our lovely lady host at the appartment we booked turned out to not be homophobic and was more than happy to allow two strapping gents to bunk up together in her place. Although she may have just tolerated it for the fact she knew we'd go the entire four nights without any hot water. We'll never know.

Soviet Army Monument - rolled up jeans because
of the heat!

Having arrived on the Tuesday and with the game not until the Friday night,we had plenty of time to explore Sofia. Bulgaria is quite a religious country with a number of grand churches including the Alexander Nevski Cathedral which was rather beautiful. We spent our first day checking out the sights which included the cathedral and the wonderful Soviet Army Monument which features a Soviet soldier surrounded by Bulgarian women. There is a lot of debate about whether it should be pulled down but it serves as a great meeting place with people skating around it and was even home to the England Fanzone on the Friday before the game.

Wednesday was another day of looking around including a trip to Sofia Central Station. Why go to the station I hear you cry? Well, we'd heard rumours that on the last England trip to Sofia there had been a bear caged outside of it so we set off in the vain hope that would still be the case. It wasn't but it wasn't a completely wasted journey either as Tom managed to pick up a hideous Barack Obama t-shirt for just £2 from a market stall. Yes we can!

Tom delighted with his £2 Mister President t-shirt

We did eventually get to see a bear by spending Thursday at Sofia Zoo. Now I pride myself on being something of a zoo expert and this was easily the most unsafe place you could go to. The bear enclosures were just slabs of concrete with a little bit of water you could climb into and for the truly adventurous you could stick your hands through the bars into the lion and tiger enclosures.

Bear in his concrete enclosure at Sofia Zoo

Feeling adventerous? Reach through the bars and touch a tiger

The best part about Sofia however has to be the food and drink. Well, maybe not the drink, but certainly the food. And certainly the magnificent chain of restaurants that are aptly known as Happy Grill. At Happy Grill, you could buy an industrial sized plate of varrying meats and a bicycle wheel sized piece of garlic bread for £4.20. Throw in cocktails for £2 and it was very very happy indeed.

Barnsley fans on the Soviet Monument on game day

Unfortunately, the beer was mainly horrific. Among those tried were Zagorka, Wymechko and Astika. At £1.20 a pint we weren't complaining and got through our fair share. The best places to drink were outside bars, set up in tents in the middle of parks. Every bar we found seemed to shut at midnight during the week which at one point forced us into the only open place we could find in an attempt to continue drinking - a fetish club. I say club, it was more like an underground prison, we were the only people who had been brave enough to venture in and didn't even get around to ordering a beer, deciding to bolt before a woman who looked suspiciously like Janet Street Porter managed to get us into what presumably would have been her red room of pain. 

England Fanzone

As for game day, the already mentioned fanzone in the gardens around the Soviet Monument is where we spent our time drinking. At £1 a pint it was the cheapest beer we had all trip yet you had to keep your wits about you with footballs flying through the air, a potential hit at any time. The Monument itself was popular to climb and there was music being played to sing along to with the DJ obviously being a big fan of the Champions League theme tune, playing it every five songs.

Vasil Levski from the outside. Sponsored by Pepsi

Inside the Vasil Levski Stadium

The Vasil Levski Stadium was a short walk through the park and was exactly what you'd expect from an Eastern European multipurpose venue. Running track? Check. Uncovered? Check. One large stand? Check. Fences? Check. Flares? Check. Monkey noises from the home fans for Ashley Cole and Ashley Young? Check.

Bulgarian fans raise the flag

It wouldn't be Eastern Europe without flares and fireworks

The ground was reasonably full and those England fans who had got tickets for the home ends were escorted around the running track and into the away section before kick off, meaning that our section had up to 500 more fans in that it should have done. The game itself was pretty dull - Bulgaria were absolutely awful and England were 3-0 up by half time through Gary Cahill and a Wayne Rooney brace meaning it was game over in 45 minutes. No matter, we still couldn't leave as the police wouldn't let anybody out even at the break which meant the frustration of not only watching a pointless second half but then being held in for an hour afterwards while the home support were cleared.

The teams line up for the national anthems amid the smoke
of the home fans flares

We headed straight back to the apartment after the game with an early flight to come from Sofia to Berlin with Bulgarian Airways. Such was the type of plane we were flying on, you half expected a man like Biggles in World War II fighter pilot gear to stride from the terminal, bottle of whiskey in hand to fly the plane. Incredibly, we made it to Germany in one piece and spent the day mooching around Berlin before flying back to England in the evening.

Where I could finally take those bloody jeans off.

England players at the end of the game

Happy Grill certainly lived up to it's name with all this meat
for £4.20

Home via Berlin and the Brandenburg Gate

Bulgaria: Nikolay Mihaylov, Zhivko Milanov, Ivan Ivanov, Nikolay Bodurov, Ivan Bandolovski (Georgi Sarmov), Petar Zanev, Stiliyan Petrov, Martin Petrov, Blagoy Georgiev, Ivelin Popov (Marquinhos), Tsvetan Genkov (Georgi Bozhilov).

England: Joe Hart, Chris Smalling, John Terry, Gary Cahill 1, Ashley Cole, Gareth Barry (Frank Lampard), Scott Parker, Theo Walcott (Adam Johnson), Ashley Young (James Milner), Stewart Downing, Wayne Rooney 2.

Attendance: 27,230