Excelsior v PEC Zwolle. 21/10/16

"You've come all the way here from Brighton? Bloody hell."

Excelsior 0-2 PEC Zwolle. Stadion Woudestein. Friday 21/11/16

Looking for Eric has to be one of the most preposterous ideas for a film ever with the possible exception of Snakes on a Plane. For those who have never heard of it, it goes something like this:

Man's life is falling apart. Man considers suicide. Man smokes marijuana. Man has vision of Eric Cantona. Eric Cantona guides man through the rest of the film to a happy ending. Day two of our Rotterdam trip could have been the sequel to this - Looking for Danny.

The Danny in question was Dutch midfielder Danny Holla and although there was no suicide, midlife crisis or weed involved, we were on a mission to find him. Why Danny Holla? Because he’d spent two years at Brighton and Hove Albion. Until the last five years or so, Brighton were pretty rubbish and so it was rare for a player to leave the Albion and head for foreign lands. They were more likely to be heading for non league. We’re still not used to this whole supporting a good team thing and so once Holla was released and we got wind of the fact he had signed for PEC Zwolle, taking in their Eredivisie visit to Excelsior was a no-brainer.

The International Criminal Court - about as far as sightseeing in The Hague went

But before the Friday evening game at Stadion Woudestein, there was another Danny Holla related part of the trip to get through. Holla had signed for Brighton from ADO Den Haag and, the Netherlands being a small country with impeccable public transport links, we decided to spend the afternoon in Den Haag, or The Hague as it is known to us English. The Hague was a brisk 20 minute train ride from Rotterdam and once there we were able to do some actual “sightseeing” which for once didn't consist of the inside of a pub. The city is home to the Dutch government, parliament and Supreme Court despite the fact that the capital is Amsterdam. It is also home to the International Criminal Court which is where we were headed for a look around.

Beer in The Hague

With a disappointing lack of ongoing war crime trials, we spent just 30 minutes at he ICC, after which it was back to the city centre where we belatedly discovered a square with lots of outdoor drinking facilities. That was the end of any plans to go and visit Kyocera Stadion, home of ADO Den Haag as we were unable to leave the hospitality of the square and it's beers before journeying back to Rotterdam.

 Although sad not to have made it to one of the grounds where Holla used to play his trade, there were two positives to this. One was that Den Haag wear an absolutely brilliant combination of yellow and green stripes as a home kit, which would almost certainly have led to an obscene an amount of money being spent on merchandise. The second was that by not visiting, we have full justification to go back for a Den Haag game at some point in the future.

Back in Rotterdam, we decided to chance the 30 minute walk from the centre to Stadion Woudestein which meant that the walk soon turned into a near two hour trek as we decided to stop at five different bars along the way. The best of these was Cafe Hoekzight, a bar with lots (about eight) of supporters heading to the evening's big game as well as a huge poster of a naked lady inside the gents toilets. Only in the Netherlands.

Stadion Woudestein

More Rotterdam floodlight porn

On arrival at Stadion Woudestein it became evident that the floodlight porn experienced at De Kuip for Feyenoord v Zorya Luhansk the previous day wasn't just restricted to the cities biggest team. Even Excelsior had pylons to get you aroused, a particularly impressive feat for one of the smallest professional grounds in the country that holds less than 5,000 people. Rotterdam truly is the European capital of fantastic floodlights.

It turned out that it wasn't just Danny Holla we would be paying homage to on this trip either. Excelsior was the club that produced Robin van Persie and to say they are proud of it is something of an understatement. We would be positioned for the evening behind the goal in the RVP Stand and in the supporters bar there was an entire wall dedicated to the former Arsenal and Manchester United man.

The Robin van Persie tribute wall in the Excelsior supporters bar

Just in case you didn't realise Robin van Persie was a product of
Excelsior's youth system... 

Don't fancy leaving the bar? Just stand on the porch at the front of it to watch the game

One thing that makes trips to these smaller clubs enjoyable is the supporters bar and Excelsior has one to rival the best of them. Cheap, cheerful and housing a cupboard which doubles as the club shop, the best bit about it is it features a porch that directly overlooks the pitch and you can take beer from the bar straight to your seat. One bloke didn't even bother to leave the bar - we discovered him at half time in exactly the same position watching the television as we had left him in as the teams appeared for kick off.

The RVP Stand was raised above the pitch and was a curious mixture of seats with a block of terracing in the middle. At the other end the PEC Zwolle fans had gathered, a remarkably large number for a Friday night round trip which at 180 miles is one of the longest in the Eredivisie given they came into the game bottom of the table. The Holla effect perhaps?

The RVP Stand

Stadion Woudestein

What a fantastic little venue for a game of football 

The match itself wasn't too entertaining with the first half in particular a complete non event. Half the Excelsior fans were still refuelling in the bar or taking advantage of the crepe stand (crepes at football - take note English clubs) when Zwolle took the lead through Ajax loanee Queensy Menig with the second half just three minutes old.

Crepes in a football ground is the best idea so far in the 21st century

Excelsior pushed forward in search of an equaliser after that but Zwolle kept them at bay, adding a second on the counter with two minutes left to play through Django Warmerdam - another player on loan from Ajax. Excelsior 0-2 Ajax some might say. While the majority of Excelsior supporters slunk off back to the city, a fair few which included us returned to the warmth of the bar. Those downing the Jupiler included a large number of fathers and we soon discovered why when peering out of the window to see lots of kids having an impromptu kick about on the pitch. Tempted as we were to go and join them - who doesn't want to tell their Grandkids about the time they scored at Stadion Woudestein? - they looked quite good and, after Euro 2016, English football is far enough in the doldrums as it is without two pissed up blokes being given the run around by a load of Dutch under 10s.

Some kids have a kick about on the pitch - you don't get that post game at Old Trafford

So we stayed in the bar which was a wise move. Not content with serving great beer, around 30 minutes after the full time whistle any food that had been cooked but not eaten was offered around for free. Eating a complimentary meat thing that looked suspiciously like a sausage yet wasn't while looking at a wall decorated with Robin van Persie’s face. Does life get any better?

Free food...but what is it?

It does actually. Up pulled the PEC Zwolle coach and from the sanctuary of the Main Stand the visiting players began to board. Beer necked, sausage that wasn't sausage eaten, we headed outside and five minutes later found ourselves being greeted by the very man we had come to see.

 “You've come from Brighton?” Mr Holla expressed with a look and tone of bewilderment, clearly torn between admiration for the cause and concern that we should be in a secure mental facility somewhere. He was kind enough to chew the fat for five minutes, expressing disbelief that Brighton didn't win promotion to the Premier League last season (we missed out by two goals) and that he hoped it happened this time around. The feeling was mutual, we told Danny - we hope you and Zwolle can stay up.

The trip is justified as we succeed in meeting Danny Holla

They are making a good fist of doing that as well, having moved from the bottom of the table position they occupied before the Excelsior game up to the dizzy heights of 11th at the time of writing.

As for us, we headed back to the Excelsior fan bar until we were eventually kicked out, catching a tram back to the city centres Cool District to party the night away. The next morning it was a 9am flight from Rotterdam to Manchester and onwards to Wigan, where Brighton picked up a 1-0 win to go second in the Championship.

 Looks like both Zwolle and Brighton could get what we hope for by the end of the season. In which case, keep your eyes peeled for Looking for Danny Part 2 next season.

Excelsior: Tom Muyters, Henrico Drost, Jurgen Mattheij, Khalid Karami, Leeroy Owusu, Kevin Vermeulen (Danilo Pantic), Luigi Bruins, Ryan Koolwijk (Nigel Hasselbaink), Alfredo Kulembe Ribeiro, Mike van Duinen, Stanley Elbers (Anouar Hadouir). 

PEC Zwolle: Mickey van der Hart, Bart Schenkeveld, Bram van Polen, Calvin Verdonk, Django Warmerdam 1, Ted Van De Pavert, Danny Holla, Mustafa Saymak(Ryan Jared Thomas), Kingsley Ehizibue, Queensy Menig 1 (Annas Achahbar), Youness Mokhtar (Thanasis Karagounis). 

Attendance: 3,640

Vitesse Arnhem v Ajax Amsterdam. 06/04/14

"So in this country you can legally consume mind altering drugs and pay a woman to have sex with you, but you can't drink a can of beer on the street without risking arrest."

Vitesse Arnhem 1-1 Ajax Amsterdam. GelreDome.
Sunday 06/04/14

The Netherlands is weird. Weird in a good, Lady Gaga way as opposed to a strange, creepy Max Moseley way. We'd been in Arnhem for little more than five minutes when I was pulled over by a police officer and brutally informed it was illegal to drink a beer on the streets.

Claim it's not open was the first thought that ran through my mind. And so I told said officer. He seemed to believe it, and then asked me to turn the can upside down. Damn. This one was on the ball, as beer leaked onto the street. "DO NOT TRY AND FOOL ME" came the shout. Explaining that it was simply unfathomable that I could walk around the corner and have a joint and sex with a woman for money legally but not consume one can of beer, he told me to pour it away and be on my way. A lucky escape.

Arnhem's very own Diagon Alley. With it's own magic Coffee
Shops.

By the time we'd arrived in Arnhem, I felt like I'd been punished enough for any future misdemeanours as it was. After two solid days on the drink, the two and a half hour train journey that stopped at what felt like every single village from Essen across the German-Dutch border and into Arnhem had been hell. Trying to stay awake and not be violently sick at the same time is the sort of multi-tasking only a woman can do.

A few beers in Bloopers with the locals

Excellent work from this chap to be in this state before midday

The natural course to feeling better was a beer. A legally purchased one from a bar this time. That bar was Bloopers, in a small square called the Corn Market a short distance from the station where the local fans had gathered for a protest about the civil war that had broken out between former Vitesse owner Merab Jordania and current owner Alexander Chigrinsky. I say gathered, but some were clearly a bit worse for wear with one chap doubled over in a seat with his head in his hands. A bloody good effort before midday so fair play to the man.

Vitesse is ours

Among the allegations launched by Jordania earlier in the week were claims that Chelsea had told Vitesse not to qualify for the Champions League due to the close relationship between the clubs with the Blues sending a multitude of players to Arnhem each season. Whatever the ins and outs, the locals were far from happy and gathered at 11am with a banner stating Vitesse is Ours before marching to the GelreDome.

That march is about two miles over the Nederrijn River and the stadium itself is completely and utterly bizarre. From the outside, it looks more like a giant Nissan factory which is explained away by the fact that the two bloody great half cylinder things on the roof can close to turn the stadium into an actual dome. Not only that, but the pitch can also be manouvered out leaving it to host some of the biggest names in music when Vitesse haven't got a game on.

GelreDome - not a Nissan Car Factory as first appears

How's that for a sustainable transport plan?

With 90% of the crowd arriving 20 minutes before kick off on bicycle (not wearing clogs or carrying Edam to complete the stereotype), it left a right crush to get in. Once inside, there is a scenario that every single person in Greece wishes was existent in their country - the Euro does not exist. The official currency of GelreDome is Munt, which you can purchase in exchange for money at a Munter Machine. One Heineken is two Munt - an absolute steal.

Roll up, roll up - exchange your Euro for Munts

Munts - the official currency of GelreDome

The stadium itself features four stands, all of the same height and all seated. The corners are walled off which means if you are stuck in a corner as we were, you can't actually see what is going on in the stands around you. The Ajax fans, potentially able to see their side crowned league champions, were tucked away opposite us.

Before the game, the biggest flag I've ever seen in my life was hoisted into position in front of us to create an intimidating scene for the visitors. Thankfully, it was taken down before kick off, otherwise there would be no hope of seeing the game which would have represented a waste of Munts on the tickets. What did greet the teams onto the pitch however was the sort of firework display you'd consider over the top at the Superbowl, let alone an Eredivisie clash.

The inside of the Nissan Factory

A firework display that would make the Superbowl blush

Given the near arrest for Beercangate earlier in the day, it was particularly galling then to see one bald man jump from our stand onto the perimeter track, fight three stewards, square up to a further three and then be allowed to simply return to his seat. You can add "Wolverine from X Men impression fighting half a dozen security figures" to things you can seemingly do in the Netherlands over drink a beer on the streets.

Topless man fights gang of steward before returning to
his seat

The game itself was rather exciting. Chelsea man Bertrand Traore put Vitesse 1-0 ahead, Ajax goalkeeper Jasper Cillessen kept his side in it in the the first half (or were Arnhem deliberately missing to not qualify for the Champions League?!) with Kolbeinn Sigthorsson grabbing an equaliser in the second 45. That wasn't enough to give Ajax the title with a point from their next game now needed to secure it. And for any fans of Chelsea reading this, all four of your current loanees featured - Traore, Patrick van Aanholt and Christian Atsu all starting with Lucas Piazon coming on from the bench.

The Chelsea Reserves Supporters section

With the majority of spectators hitting the cycle lanes on their bikes, getting back to the city centre via bus was extremely straightforward and within ten minutes of the final whistle we had a beer ordered in a bar which soon filled up with locals to dance the night away. We unfortunately couldn't join them, having instead to face a train journey back to Dusseldorf and a flight home. Being extremely careful not to be seen with our train beers on the street by any local police, obviously.

Vitesse Arnhem - Munts well spent.

Vitesse Arnhem: Piet Velthuizen, Guram Kashia, Patrick van Aanholt, Marko Vejinovic, Davy Propper, Zakaria Labyad (Valeri Kazaishvili), Jan-Arie van der Heijden, Bertrand Traore 1 (Mike Havenaar), Renato Ibarra (Lucas Piazon), Christian Atsu.

Ajax Amsterdam: Jasper Cillessen, Ricardo van Rhijn, Joel Veltman, Nicolai Boilesen (Christian Poulsen), Stefano Denswil, Lerin Duarte (Ricardo Kishna), Daley Blind, Lasse Shone, Kolbeinn Sigthorsson 1 (Lesley de Sa), Bojan Krkic, Davy Klaasen.

Attendance: 25,500

VVV-Venlo v FC Twente. 21/04/13

"I know Japanese people are fanatical, but traveling halfway around the world to Venlo just to see Bobby Cullen sit on the bench? That is ridiculous."

VVV-Venlo 2-2 FC Twente. Seacon Stadion.
Sunday 21/04/13

The third and final game of the Dusseldorf 2013 weekend saw us venture across the German-Dutch border for a taste of the Eredivise at the marvelous Seacon Stadion - home of VVV-Venlo. The decision had come about through what is now bordering on a dangerous obsession with Schteve McClaren, who had been due to bring his FC Twente side to Venlo. We'd been kicking ourselves that we never saw the Wally with a Brolly manage at Twente in his first spell, so this was an opportunity not to be missed. Fate is a cruel mistress however and you've guessed it, he resigned two months before the trip.

How's that for a sustainable transport plan?

Luckily we had a back up reason to justify our attendance and that was Roland Bergkamp. The second best player in the Bergkamp family was on-loan to Venlo from our very own Brighton and Hove Albion and some typically creative e-mails from Rumble to the people at Venlo meant that not only did we have tickets for the game, but we also had a signed Roland shirt for our troubles. Winning already.

Wonderful floodlights

After an hour on the train and a 30 minute walk to the outskirts of town, we found ourselves entering a wood. Unlike Hansel and Gretel, we didn't come across a gingerbread house but in fact a stadium in the most surreal of locations. Security was tight as you'd expect from a top flight venue allowing us to walk straight into the ground for a look around, which to be more precise meant wandering into what the Dutch call a cafe but what you and me would more commonly refer to as a supporters bar. We spent 90 minutes in there pre-game sipping on Lindeboom, admiring the wonderfully garish yellow and black decor and receiving complimentary team sheets.

Lindeboom and a complimentary team sheet in the fans cafe

Seacon itself was like nothing you would expect from a top flight stadium. Not just the fact that it's woodland setting made you half expect Legolas and a band of elves to swarm onto the pitch bow and arrows at the ready, but also in it's design. Two small, roofed terraces were present behind one goal and down one side and they were familiar enough to anybody whose seen a League Two. The main stand was a single tiered effort built on a hill, in front of which were some seats cut into a bank. Didn't fancy sitting in your seat? Don't bother then, just stand on the large gravel path between the stand and bank and why not smoke a joint while you are at it.

Seacon Stadion

Some wonderful stand designs at Seacon

The other stand behind the goal was a similar affair to the main stand with the added bonus of a prison cell in the left hand corner where the Twente fans were quite literally penned. They spent the game making quite a racket however, which was no mean feat given how disappointed they should have been not to have Schteve at the helm anymore.

The Twente fans in their cage

But if the stadium was odd, then proceedings got a whole lot weirder before the end. Firstly there was a large gabble of Japanese women who had come purely to see the compatriot Bobby Cullen, who remained on the Venlo bench. Incidentally, that was more than Roland managed as he wasn't even named among the subs. And then there was the halftime entertainment, which featured around eight disabled people attempting to run with a ball from the halfway line and score. This was not put on for sympathetic reasons or to encourage education about disabilities, but purely for entertainment and naturally went down a hoot with the laid back locals - especially when the participants took it upon themselves to do a lap of honour of the ground much to the anger of the organisers who frantically tried to stop them with the second half minutes away.

Disabled people asked to run from the halfway line and score
made for an interesting take on half time entertainment

An impromptu lap of honour causes meltdowns from the
organisers with the second half minutes from starting 

As for the game, relegation threatened Venlo stormed into a 2-0 lead through Nils Roseler and Uche Nwofor. You'd have thought that would get the home fans blood pumping but as one local put it with brutal honesty at half time "no point getting excited, we'll just **** it up." By the hour mark that prediction had come to pass as two goals in a minute for Twent from Rasmus Bengtsson and Luc Castaignos rounded off the scoring as the game finished 2-2.

Don't feel like taking a seat? Just stand wherever you want

That was a serious blow to both Twente's hopes of European qualification and Venlo's of avoiding the drop. After the game we hung around the ground, becoming the envy of teenage Japanese girls everywhere by meeting Mr Cullen as well as Twente star defender and Newcastle United transfer target Douglas. Knowing that the ease with which we met the players afterwards would have meant that long dreamed of photo with Schteve would have happened had he not resigned, the only way to get over that disappointment was wandering into the town centre where there were a number of bars in which the Lindeboom again flowed.

Bobby Cullen fan club one

Bobby Cullen fan club two

Venlo itself was a wonderful little place. The main street was packed with a variety of drinking establishments, from dank and dark British style pubs to continental cafe bars with strong Dutch beer aplenty. Unfortunately, we had a train to catch back to Dusseldorf Airport which meant that we only got to experience a couple of these venues and Venlo really wasn't enjoyed to it's full potential. So if somebody at Brighton and Hove Albion is reading this, if you could do us a favour and send another awful player on-loan there so we have an excuse to go back it would be greatly appreciated.

Rumble and Douglas - nice bag

Dutch beer in Venlo. We didn't have time for a pint of each

VVV-Venlo: Niki Maenpaa, Guus Joppen, Marcel Seip, Nils Roseler 1, Jeffrey Leiwakabessy, Kaj Ramsteijn, Aleksandar Radosavljevic, Ahmed Ammi (Ricky van Haaren), Bryan Linssen (Oguzhan Turk), Yuki Otsu (Yanic Wildschut), Uche Nwofor 1.

FC Twente: Nikolay Mihaylov, Tim Breukers (Roberto Rosales), Douglas, Rasmus Bengtsson 1, Edson Braafheid, Felipe Gutierrez, Leroy Fer, Willem Janssen (Tim Holscher), Dusan Tadic, Nacer Chadli (Dmitri Bulykin), Luc Castaignos 1.

Attendance: 5,700.