Bulgaria v England. 02/09/11

"Why would anybody who looks like Janet Street Porter think their calling in life is to run a fetish club?"

Bulgaria 0-3 England. Vasil Levski Stadium.
Friday 02/09/11.

The first rule of going abroad - always check the weather forecast. Something that was dearly forgotten for this trip to Sofia for England's Euro 2012 qualifier with Bulgaria.

Boiling hot weather and one pair of jeans is a combination that goes about as well together as Nick Griffin being a guest speaker at Martin Luther King day. So when you pack just one pair of hot, stuffy denim jeans for four days away it's pretty much a disaster.

Alexander Nevski Cathedral

Apart from the wardrobe malfunction, this was a wonderful trip. It's doubtful many people would pick Sofia as a holiday destination but when the weather is good, the women are unbelievable, it's dirt cheap, you can fly there with easyJet for £40 and accommodation is £12 a night then you are always onto a winner.

Of course, there was a drawback to that accommodation and that was sharing a double bed. Thankfully, our lovely lady host at the appartment we booked turned out to not be homophobic and was more than happy to allow two strapping gents to bunk up together in her place. Although she may have just tolerated it for the fact she knew we'd go the entire four nights without any hot water. We'll never know.

Soviet Army Monument - rolled up jeans because
of the heat!

Having arrived on the Tuesday and with the game not until the Friday night,we had plenty of time to explore Sofia. Bulgaria is quite a religious country with a number of grand churches including the Alexander Nevski Cathedral which was rather beautiful. We spent our first day checking out the sights which included the cathedral and the wonderful Soviet Army Monument which features a Soviet soldier surrounded by Bulgarian women. There is a lot of debate about whether it should be pulled down but it serves as a great meeting place with people skating around it and was even home to the England Fanzone on the Friday before the game.

Wednesday was another day of looking around including a trip to Sofia Central Station. Why go to the station I hear you cry? Well, we'd heard rumours that on the last England trip to Sofia there had been a bear caged outside of it so we set off in the vain hope that would still be the case. It wasn't but it wasn't a completely wasted journey either as Tom managed to pick up a hideous Barack Obama t-shirt for just £2 from a market stall. Yes we can!

Tom delighted with his £2 Mister President t-shirt

We did eventually get to see a bear by spending Thursday at Sofia Zoo. Now I pride myself on being something of a zoo expert and this was easily the most unsafe place you could go to. The bear enclosures were just slabs of concrete with a little bit of water you could climb into and for the truly adventurous you could stick your hands through the bars into the lion and tiger enclosures.

Bear in his concrete enclosure at Sofia Zoo

Feeling adventerous? Reach through the bars and touch a tiger

The best part about Sofia however has to be the food and drink. Well, maybe not the drink, but certainly the food. And certainly the magnificent chain of restaurants that are aptly known as Happy Grill. At Happy Grill, you could buy an industrial sized plate of varrying meats and a bicycle wheel sized piece of garlic bread for £4.20. Throw in cocktails for £2 and it was very very happy indeed.

Barnsley fans on the Soviet Monument on game day

Unfortunately, the beer was mainly horrific. Among those tried were Zagorka, Wymechko and Astika. At £1.20 a pint we weren't complaining and got through our fair share. The best places to drink were outside bars, set up in tents in the middle of parks. Every bar we found seemed to shut at midnight during the week which at one point forced us into the only open place we could find in an attempt to continue drinking - a fetish club. I say club, it was more like an underground prison, we were the only people who had been brave enough to venture in and didn't even get around to ordering a beer, deciding to bolt before a woman who looked suspiciously like Janet Street Porter managed to get us into what presumably would have been her red room of pain. 

England Fanzone

As for game day, the already mentioned fanzone in the gardens around the Soviet Monument is where we spent our time drinking. At £1 a pint it was the cheapest beer we had all trip yet you had to keep your wits about you with footballs flying through the air, a potential hit at any time. The Monument itself was popular to climb and there was music being played to sing along to with the DJ obviously being a big fan of the Champions League theme tune, playing it every five songs.

Vasil Levski from the outside. Sponsored by Pepsi

Inside the Vasil Levski Stadium

The Vasil Levski Stadium was a short walk through the park and was exactly what you'd expect from an Eastern European multipurpose venue. Running track? Check. Uncovered? Check. One large stand? Check. Fences? Check. Flares? Check. Monkey noises from the home fans for Ashley Cole and Ashley Young? Check.

Bulgarian fans raise the flag

It wouldn't be Eastern Europe without flares and fireworks

The ground was reasonably full and those England fans who had got tickets for the home ends were escorted around the running track and into the away section before kick off, meaning that our section had up to 500 more fans in that it should have done. The game itself was pretty dull - Bulgaria were absolutely awful and England were 3-0 up by half time through Gary Cahill and a Wayne Rooney brace meaning it was game over in 45 minutes. No matter, we still couldn't leave as the police wouldn't let anybody out even at the break which meant the frustration of not only watching a pointless second half but then being held in for an hour afterwards while the home support were cleared.

The teams line up for the national anthems amid the smoke
of the home fans flares

We headed straight back to the apartment after the game with an early flight to come from Sofia to Berlin with Bulgarian Airways. Such was the type of plane we were flying on, you half expected a man like Biggles in World War II fighter pilot gear to stride from the terminal, bottle of whiskey in hand to fly the plane. Incredibly, we made it to Germany in one piece and spent the day mooching around Berlin before flying back to England in the evening.

Where I could finally take those bloody jeans off.

England players at the end of the game

Happy Grill certainly lived up to it's name with all this meat
for £4.20

Home via Berlin and the Brandenburg Gate

Bulgaria: Nikolay Mihaylov, Zhivko Milanov, Ivan Ivanov, Nikolay Bodurov, Ivan Bandolovski (Georgi Sarmov), Petar Zanev, Stiliyan Petrov, Martin Petrov, Blagoy Georgiev, Ivelin Popov (Marquinhos), Tsvetan Genkov (Georgi Bozhilov).

England: Joe Hart, Chris Smalling, John Terry, Gary Cahill 1, Ashley Cole, Gareth Barry (Frank Lampard), Scott Parker, Theo Walcott (Adam Johnson), Ashley Young (James Milner), Stewart Downing, Wayne Rooney 2.

Attendance: 27,230

Denmark v England. 09/02/11

"If you can't get away with a childs ticket on the metro, it's unlikely you'll be able to get away with a dog one."

Denmark 1-2 England. Parken Stadium.
Wednesday 09/02/14.

If you want to imagine what it was like going to Denmark away, think of the wonderful television programme Supermarket Sweep and reverse it. In that popular show hosted by Dale Winton, competitors had to try and get the priciest items into their trolley. For this two day trip to Copenhagen, it was a case of seeing how cheap you could make a holiday to one of the most expensive countries in Europe.

That meant stripping away what some people would consider essentials on a holiday - things such as accommodation, food and to a certain degree beer. The first was achieved through the lucky coincidence that several friends were in Copenhagen at the same time meaning I could spend the first night on their hostel floor and the second night in the airport. The second was achieved by taking the Russian approach and treating vodka as a food source so one large bottle of it would suffice as meals in the main for this two day visit, and said vodka in turn also covered the third money saving point.

Soldiers parade outside Amalienbrg

My first experience of Norwegian Air was a good one although the landing into Copenhagen was not as the airports precarious location on the coastline had me convinced we were going to land in the sea. The only way to get over that panic - a trip to the Carlsberg factory, of course. Getting there meant taking a metro journey where you could incredibly buy a ticket for a dog. It was half the price of an adult which makes you wonder if buying a dog fancy dress costume and traveling on that ticket could be a financially viable option in the long run.

Could you get away with a dog ticket?!

For somebody who doesn't like Carlsberg, it was a decent experience. Carlsberg in Denmark tastes nothing like the piss poor version we get served in England which was just as well as I think I'd rather have a circumcision carried out with a rusty nail than drink that. As well as Carlsberg, we sampled Tuborg which was nice and the breweries cider Somersby, a concoction dangerous for the fact it taste just like apple juice making it ridiculously easy to drink.

At the Carlsberg Factory

Despite the expense of beer in the country, we did spend Tuesday night drinking in various bars around the city. They included The Viking House which did a fine line in cocktails and Billy Booze, a "discount" bar. They had an interesting take on Jagerbombs, supplying a full can of Red Bull with each one which left us with only one option - ordering two shots of Jager at a time to make it a Double Jagerbomb and balance out the ridiculous amount of energy drink. Not clever, it turned out.

Copenhagen's Little Mermaid Statue

The resulting hangover and hole in the wallet could only be cleared in one manner, and that was getting right into the Danish spirit and hiring a bike. Not only was this an excellent way to clear a Wednesday hangover and see the sights but it also meant staying out of the pub for a large part of the day. The sights were admittedly limited. The famous theme park Tivoli Gardens was shut for the winter so the days visits were mainly restricted to the Kings House, Amalienborg which is the winter residence of the Royal Family and the Little Mermaid Statue.

Probably the highlight of all this was the cycling itself. With every single highway having a cycle lane separated from both road and pavement it meant you didn't spend the majority of the time worrying about being killed or mowing down a child and could actually enjoy being on a bike. The hire scheme was also extremely cheap and a perfect way to see the city.

Knights of the realm

Cycling to Parken Stadium for the evenings game wasn't an option after a few pints in a pub well populated with England fans as well as the controversial choice of dinner - that aforementioned bottle of vodka. Not being a big vodka drinker myself, I shared the final remnants with some knights of the realm met en route on the train to the stadium in exchange for some Carlsberg cans before we headed to a small bar a five minute walk from the ground for some more pre-game drinks.

Parken Stadium appeared to be far bigger than it's 38,000 capacity

Parken itself was pretty empty for the encounter which was a shame as it was an excellent stadium. The roof was shut which gave the odd sensation of it being warm inside when it was absolutely freezing outside. The ground was made up of four stands, all two tiered except for the one the England fans were based in behind one of the goals. There were a couple of huge scaffold poles on either halfway line which would have been a bloody nightmare to sit behind. The stadium looked massive, far bigger than the mere 38,000 it holds.

Wouldn't want a ticket behind this pole

The roof itself was bizarre. It just appeared to be a load of panels placed onto metal supports that had come from nowhere. No England fan in the ground could work out how it worked or where it had come from unlike say the Millennium Stadium roof which is quite obvious in that it slides. At the time you could have put that confusion down to alcohol consumption but even in the cold light of day the photographs still confuse the hell out of me. Answers on a postcard.

The Parken Stadium roof - just where did it come from and
how did it work?!

The game itself was a regulation boring friendly but nonetheless heralded an impressive England win. Daniel Agger gave the Danes the lead with Darren Bent equalising shortly after and Ashley Young hitting a second half winner. A special mention for Christian Eriksen who was excellent for Denmark. A Premier League side looking for a creative midfielder could do a lot worse than take him off Ajax's hands in the summer. And it was a great pleasure to see Wolfsburg legend and Schteve McClaren's finest signingSimon Kjaer playing the second half for the Danes.

Parken Stadium

One of the biggest troubles with international friendlies abroad is you can drink during the game, depriving that vital 90 minutes of sobering up time and this can lead to problems after, such as thinking you know the way to walk back to the city centre but unfortunately wandering into what could be the set of a Copenhagen version of Shameless if there is such a thing.

That is the fate that befell me before doing the one thing a man finds hardest to do - admit he has got himself hopelessly lost and ask for help - and jumping on a bus back to the city centre which was in the opposite direction. The travel dramas weren't over after that either as only the kind actions of a train guard who knew I needed to get off at the airport saved me from ending up in Sweden after he woke me up at the suitable stop.

Copenhagen Airport has a lot to answer for in terms of the comfort of it's seats for a much needed good nights sleep yet it was still improvement on the previous evenings hostel floor. But as I dozed off under an escalator, the main aim of the trip had been achieved - it had been cheap. Somewhere in a parallel universe where Supermarket Sweep is played backwards, I'd like to think that bought a smile to Dale Winton's face.

Talk about being tight - sleeping on a floor
with just a flag for warmth isn't the most
comfortable way to spend a night

Danish Carlsberg- far better than the English version

England and Denmark enter Parken

Denmark: Thomas Sorensen, Daniel Agger 1, Simon Poulsen (Daniel Wass), Lars Jacobsen (Michael Silberbauer), Michael Krohn-Dehli (Nicklas Pedersen), Martin Jorgensen (Simon Kjaer), Christian Poulsen, William Kvist (Martin Vingard), Christian Eriksen, Dennis Romedahl (Thomas Enevoldsen), Nicklas Bendtner.

England: Joe Hart, Glen Johnson, John Terry, Michael Dawson (Gary Cahill), Ashley Cole (Leighton Baines), Frank Lampard (Scott Parker), Jack Wilshere (Gareth Barry), Theo Walcott (Stewart Downing), Wayne Rooney (Ashley Young 1), James Milner, Darren Bent 1.

Attendance: 21,523

FSV Mainz 05 v VfL Wolfsburg. 22/01/11

"I've heard of plenty of ways to wake somebody up before but brandishing a ten foot machete is a new one"

FSV Mainz 0-1 VfL Wolfsbury. Stadion am Bruchweg.
Saturday 22/01/11

If Manchester United fans can claim to be fans when they've never seen their team play live, then we have real claims to being not just fans, but diehard supporters of VfL Wolfsburg. Hot on the heels of attending their visit to St Pauli back in November, we again found ourselves joining the traveling support to FSV Mainz for a crucial Bundesliga clash.

Now Wolfsburg fans may hate Schteve McClaren with a passion but if things aren't going quite according to plan on the pitch then off it he has been a roaring success, guaranteeing merchandise sales and attendance of matches from this new loyal band of English followers. And to think, we used to mock the Korean's for supporting any team their star players signed for. Little did we know how much fun it could be.

Frankfurt Hahn - nearer Kabul than Frankfurt

Not even Ryanair could spoil this trip. Yes, they flew us into one of their Biggles' airports - Frankfurt Hahn - which, in true Michael O'Leary fashion was nearer to Kabul than Frankfurt - but even with the €25 each taxi journey from the middle of nowhere to the city of Mainz it worked out as cheaper than flying into the main Frankfurt airport and catching a train.

Mainz

Mainz itself was lovely. An old school German city centre with old buildings, we found a plethora of great little bars to drink in on the Friday night. The speciality food in this area of the Fatherland is Cheese and Music - wonderfully named because it is a cheese board whose potency can leave you with extreme flatulence, hence the music. Needless to say we experienced as much of this as possible. One pub had a fantastic way of encouraging drunk gents to aim into the urinal by placing a plastic goal and a little football in there which you could fire into the back of the net with your urine. Perhaps the secret to Germany being so good at penalties?

Practice penalties while you piss. Is this why the Germans
are so good?

This is Mainz's last season at Stadion am Bruchweg before they move into a brand new purpose built home on the outskirts of the city. The ground was a short hop from the main station and had a large shopping complex opposite it featuring a number of little cafe bars where we had our pre game beers and much needed hangover clearing pizzas.

Stadion am Bruchweg

The ground was absolutely fantastic - a real old school stadium, falling apart and completely bizzare. It's not hard to see why they want to move to a new ground having been an established Bundesliga club for a number of years now but it's hard to escape the conclusion that a certain element of the underdog character of Mainz will be lost when they do so.

The home terrace

You'll Never Walk Alone

Both ends behind the goals were large covered terraces with a seated main stand. We were sat opposite that in a building that had seating at the rear and terracing at the front. Our position in itself was bizarre, being basically in the no mans land segregation between the sitting Mainz and Wolfsburg fans. It was almost like when issuing our tickets they weren't sure where to put us and no doubt that confusion was enhanced when, despite having entered through and use the home areas facilities, I whipped out a Wolfsburg hat for the game with the consequence being my own personal steward sat behind to keep an eye. Even in Germany my reputation seemingly proceeds me.

Recipient of my own personal steward for the afternoon

The best part of the ground though were the corners. In a desperate attempt to increase capacity, Mainz have erected temporary structures in each corner built around their floodlight pylons. Christ knows what the view is like if you get stuck behind one but you have to applaud the ingenuity of whoever came up with the idea.

Need to cram more seats in? Just build them around a floodlight

It's these sort of old ground that for me provide the best atmospheres and that was certainly the case with raucous Mainz fans at both ends and a decent Wolfsburg contingent in the middle. There was the regulation chorus of You'll Never Walk Alone before the game and after that both fans were in fine voice, with the Wolfsburg choruses of their 1945 song sounding particularly impressive.

It was Wolfsburg who got the win to ease a bit of the pressure of Schteve thanks to a second half header from the one and only Simon Kjaer! The man who had looked like an utter clown three months ago at St Pauli turned into the much needed matchwinner with ten minutes to go which was a big boost to everybody given the loss of Edin Dzeko to Man City at the start of the month. There was also a glimpse of Lewis Holtby off the substitutes bench for Mainz who having only played for Germany in one friendly match could yet switch allegiances and represent England in the future.

Wolfsburg celebrate the 1-0 win over Mainz

Afterwards it was back to the shopping centre to watch the rest of the Bundesliga results come in and then a taxi journey back into town where we met up with some Wolfsburg fans who waxed lyrical about how much they hated Schteve much to our disbelief! After one of our number fell asleep in a pub the barman took the extreme move of waking him up by brandishing a machete which was more than enough to convince us to move on with the night ending in a cinema foyer which doubled up as a nightclub.

Post-game beers with fellow Wolfsburg fans - and a single
Mainz lady

The likelihood is that Schteve will be gone from his job within the next few weeks if the Wolfsburg fans we met are to be believed. But after two away games in two months, we no longer need the English connection to justify jetting off to Germany to watch them. We're proper supporters now. After all, if those United fans who've never seen a game can be fans, then so can we. 1945!

FSV Mainz 05: Heinz Muller, Radoslav Zabavnik, Nikolce Noveski, Niko Bungert, Christian Fuchs, Marcel Risse, Elkin Soto (Eugen Polanski), Malik Fathi (Andreas Ivanschitz), Andre Schurrle, Adam Szalai, Sami Allagui (Lewis Holtby).

VfL Wolfsburg: Diego Benaglio, Sascha Riether (Peter Pekarik), Simon Kjaer 1, Arne Friedrich, Marcel Schafer, Ashkan Dejagah, Tolga Cigerci (Thomas Kahlenberg), Diego (Alexander Madlung), Josue, Mario Mandzukic, Grafite.

Attendance: 20,000

St Pauli v VfL Wolfsburg. 21/11/10

"Why are Wolfsburg singing about 1945? Do you think it's to do with the end of the war?"

St Pauli 1-1 VfL Wolfsburg. Millerntor-Stadion.
Sunday 21/11/10.

Ask most people why they would go and watch St Pauli and you'll get a multitude of answers - the clubs popularity across Europe for it's unique culture. It's left wing political leanings. It's anti-establishment position. It's link to the punk scene. The brown kit. The red hot atmosphere of the Millerntor-Stadion. It's location in Hamburg's red light district. What you are unlikely to hear is Schteve McClaren's VfL Wolfsburg were in town.

But that was the reason we had. Schteve took over at Wolfsburg in the summer after becoming the first English manager in 20 years to lift a major domestic league title with FC Twente in the Netherlands. And, being the sad case that he is, Rumble had decided to arrange his stag do to Hamburg around seeing Mr McClaren lead out his side at the Millerntor.

"To Andy. Enjoy your trip to Germany 2010. Steve McClaren"

What nobody expected when that decision was made was that in writing to Schteve to tell him we were coming to support his team, he would send back a load of tickets in the away end as well as a signed shirt congratulating Andy on his engagement. Just when you thought you couldn't love the man (Schteve, not Rumble) anymore.

Hamburg - including the Town Hall - from the air

We'd spent two days in Hamburg prior to the game and if you want somewhere to go with a large group of English men who enjoy beer, meat and women then this is it. It's little wonder The Beatles loved the place so much - there were pubs galore on either side of the Reeperbahn which is were we spent most of our time drinking. Of course, St Pauli aren't the cities only football team - we also checked out the stadium of their rivals Hamburger SV. As luck would have it, we got to see the side train on pitches outside the Imetech Arena which included Ruud van Nistelrooy. Every time he netted he was greeted with a big "RUUUUUUDDDDDD" from the gathered masses which didn't go down well if the fact he scarpered as soon as the session was done is anything to go by.

Cheeky look at Hamburger SV's Imtech Arena

Meeting Brazil legend Ze Roberto after stumbling across
 Hamburger SV training

Game day arrived and it was an evening kick off at Millerntor which would make the already intense atmosphere even greater. With St Pauli being the team of the Reeperbahn area of the city, most of the bars play up their association with flags, scarves and shirts all over the place. We drank in several of these before the game, heading to the stadium quite late.

St Pauli bar

The ground isn't quite the old school wreck it used to be, with two new stands built in recent years ahead of their rise into the Bundesliga for 2010-11. One of those is behind the goal and features a terrace with seats behind it, home to the more fanatical of the St Pauli support. Thousands of fans in this stand lit sparklers and held them up when the teams entered the pitch to the pre-game song of Hells Bells by ACDC.

The teams enter to paper, streamers and from the St Pauli
end sparklers

Some nice shiny corporate boxes at St Pauli

A large seated stand now occupies one touchline with executive boxes at the back to show that no matter how left wing or anti-establishment a club you are, you still need the money to be rolling in from the big corporations. Opposite that is the famed Gegengerade - a bank of terracing with a small seated stand perched above it while we were sat amongst the Wolfsburg fans in a corner of the other goal, a small terrace at the front which had had temporary seats added behind it.

Gegengerade

The stand was split between the home and away support which was just as well as you got the feeling that if everybody jumped up at once in celebration the thing would come tumbling down. In fact, you could have built it out of Lego and it would have been more secure.

The atmosphere was sensational with the ground filled to it's 25,000 capacity. It really was non stop noise throughout from both supporters and if there is anybody in any doubt at the difference that terracing can make in terms of improving the footballing experience, then the Millerntor is the place to go. St Pauli have adopted a number of English songs for their repetoire which makes them quite unique in Germany in that respect while Wolfsburg's favourite number is about 1945 - a celebration of the year they were founded as opposed to the end of World War II we discovered.

Wolfsburg fans go wild as Edin Dzeko equalises

Both teams were poor but Wolfsburg had a true hero on the pitch in the shape of Danish defender Simon Kjaer. Long blonde hair, alice band, coloured boots - he was everything a centre back shouldn't be and he played like it as well. It was quite incredible to find out after the game then that Schteve forked out over £10m for him.

St Pauli took the lead to deafening roars in the first half through Markus Thorandt's bullet header. That was cancelled out by Edin Dzeko in the second half with a point probably being a fair result come the final whistle. At the end of the game both sides left to the Millerntor belting out You'll Never Walk Alone which was quite the sight.

The teams leave the pitch to You'll Never Walk Alone

After stumbling across a Wolfsburg merchandise van we stocked up on scarves and hats of our new German team proving that even if Schteve isn't having the desired effect on the pitch, he certainly is off it driving sales of supporters knitwear through the roof.  Such is the way modern football is going, those extra euros in the till might keep him in a job for a little longer. Happy to play our part, Schteve.

Football boring? Never mind, there was a bloody huge
funfair behind the ground.

The best was yet to come though as if the football is a letdown like this was, then the addition of a bloody huge funfair behind the Gegengerade provided an hours entertainment long after the final whistle had gone. Only at St Pauli.

St Pauli: Thomas Kessler, Carsten Rothenbach, Carlos Zambrano, Markus Thorandt 1, Bastian Oczipka, Fabian Boll, Max Kruse (Deniz Naki), Gerald Asamoah (Timo Schultz), Matthias Lehmann, Fin Bartels (Florian Bruns), Marius Ebbers.

VfL Wolfsburg: Diego Benaglio, Peter Pekarik, Simon Kjaer, Andrea Barzagli, Marcel Schafer, Mario Mandzukic, Josue (Alexander Madlung), Diego, Sascha Riether, Cicero (Makoto Hasebe), Edin Dzeko 1.

Attendance: 24,000