San Marino v England. 06/09/15

"If I ever have a child I'm going to fly my partner to San Marino to give birth purely so my kid can become an international footballer"

San Marino 0-6 England. Stadio Olimpico.
Saturday 06/09/15.

San Marino. Is there a more pointless international team on the planet? They have one win to their name - a 1-0 friendly victory over Lichtenstein in a friendly in 2004 - and have spent pretty much their whole existence propping up the FIFA World Rankings. The place itself has a population of 32,576, meaning that you could fit the entire principalities residents into Wembley nearly three times over. And from that, you need to find at least 11 people who are vageuly talented at playing football. Poor sods.

All of that may make you wonder, what is the point in going to San Marino to watch a game? Surely you could find an equivalent standard at say, Sussex Sunday League level and not have to pay for flights or a match ticket. Just be wary of the dog excrement around the side of the pitch and the vomit left by the hungover left back.

Birra Moretti - and plenty of it

But that defies the point. Italy is a fantastic country. Anywhere that brings you out a plate of sandwiches as a complimentary accompaniment to a pint is going to be. And San Marino itself is also beautiful if slightly boring. No readers, this is a trip well worth making.

We started in Pisa which has so much more to offer than just a poorly constructed tower. Really, you have to admire the carefree attitude that epitomises Italian life. If The Shard had have been built and then started leaning at an alarming angle, there would be enquiries, lawsuits and it would probably be torn down and rebuilt. But the Italians? "Ah well, the Tower of Pisa leans a bit, not a lot we can do now, hey maybe we can even turn it into a tourist attraction." One that shouldn't be climbed if you've had a couple of pints, it must be said.

Bloody cowboy builders

The view from the top of the Leaning Tower. Not advisable to
climb after a few pints

So what else was there? Well, pizza to start with. The sort of pizza that was so good it turned me into one of those people who photograph their food. And then there was beer and plenty of it. Small squares off the main road - seemingly, the cities only main road - where you could sit outside drinking Birra Moretti and Peroni in 660ml bottles for just €3 until 4am in the morning when it was still a barmy temperature. 

Pizza in Pisa. Yes, I've become one of those people who
photographs their dinner

1 Euro a flavoured vodka shot. A dangerous game to play

We also stumbled across a bar selling flavoured vodka for €1 a shot but the less said about that, the better. Especially for Mark and Steve for whom the experience proved to be just a little too much as they both dozed off mid drink and were unable to locate their hotel without the help of an unusually tuned in McCarthy. Who, needless to say, couldn't find his hotel afterwards.

From Pisa, it was off to Florence. There wasn't much to report about this great city other than the fact that yours truly can now add it to the list of places he has slept rough in after a hostel mix up saw me miss check in. This started out by spending as long as possible in a pub that fantastically saw a performance of Taylor Swift at some weird Open Mic night type event before joining some migrants in a park, sharing around some more Moretti and then visiting the cities cathedral - the biggest bricked dome building in the world no less. 

Florence Cathedral. A bloody impressive building even when
drunk at 3am and with nowhere to sleep

Afterwards, the station for departure at 8am the next morning was found and sleep was taken - heartily interrupted every 30 minutes by Steve who in an attempt to find the right station for his train seemed to be on a mission to visit every single town and village within a 15 mile radius of Florence by boarding the wrong locomotive. He did finally make it to Rimini before the rest of the happy campers, where we met him and from where it was off to San Marino.

The stunning views across Italy from the City of San Marino

The Stadio Olimpico is not actually in San Marino itself but at the bottom of the mountain on which the principality is situated so if you go straight to the ground, you can't actually say you've visited the place. For reasons of sheer goonery in the quest to tick off as many different countries as possible, that meant a bus to the top of the hill and a visit to the City of San Marino.

San Marino's main export is weaponery, available over the counter

A medieval place with old walls and plenty of stairs, it offers breathtaking views across Italy from the top of Mount Titan. There is not a lot else going on there bar food and drink unless you fancy picking up some weaponery with a plethora of shops having guns, knifes and for those of us who'd like to impress Jennifer Lawrence with our Hunger Games skills, crossbows available for sale over the counter. Unfortunately, EasyJet's overly strict policy on dangerous items meant that no purchase was practical.

Stadio Olimpico - pre-season friendly in Scandanavia anyone?

An excellent venue for international football

So I suppose we should mention the football. Think pre-season friendly away against a European lower league team and you've got it just about right. The Stadio Olimpico hosts 7,000 odd fans in two stands down either side separated from the pitch by a running track that, despite the grounds name, is yet to hold to the Olympics. There were 3,000 odd England fans in the crowd of 4,378 and for those who didn't have a ticket, you could pick up a cracking vantage point from the top of one of the hills behind the goal.

Not got a ticket? Don't worry about it, this handily placed
hill will sort you out

The game itself was played on a surface comparable to my Grandfathers vegetable patch and that is probably doing a huge disservice to where he produces some award winning stuff. The atmosphere was totally flat bar anytime San Marino got into England's half when the entire crowd would cheer them on. They even nearly had a shot at one point which sparked wild celebrations scenes of jubilation.

As you might expect, England ran out comfortable 6-0 winners through goals from Wayne Rooney, Ross Barkley, Harry Kane, a Theo Walcott brace and an own goal from Cristian Brolli. Brolli himself did actually manage to justify the entrance fee alone with an absolutely stunning display of ineptitude, scoring not only that own goal but having to play most of the first half with a bandage around his head which constantly came off on the several times when he fell managed to fall over thin air. He was definitely the pissed up left back of the pub team.

27 degrees, sun blaring, floodlights on. Caring for the
environment

The Boy Rooney prepares to equal the England goalscoring
record

That Rooney goal saw him tie level with Bobby Charlton in the England goalscoring list and he was withdrawn early in the second half. Of course the official reason would have been the game was run and he had no need to stay on but the cynic inside can't help but wonder if the FA saw the opportunity to sell a load more seats for Tuesday night's game against Switzerland by having him attempt to break the record then rather than in front of a sparse crowd that was doing it's hardest not to fall asleep.

Home via Rome - another ground ticked off

No sign of the Pope

Job done for Roy Hodgson and his side then and after a 30 minute journey back to Rimini it was beers and food all round before an early night (yes, really) ahead of the journey to Rome on the Sunday. Rome itself was fantastic with all the usual sights hurriedly ticked off but in truth you need more than the day there that I'd afforded myself. 

A return visit to Italy for a Roma or Lazio game then? Ah, that would be a shame.

San Marino: Aldo Junior Simoncini, Cristian Brolli, Marco Berardi, Davide Simoncini (Alessandro Della Valle), Mirko Palazzi, Nicola Chiaruzzi, Manuel Battistini, Giovanni Bonini (Luca Tosi), Andy Selva (Danilo Ezequiel Rinaldi), Jose Hirch, Matteo Vitaioli.

England: Joe Hart, Nathaniel Clyne, John Stones, Phil Jagielka, Luke Shaw, James Milner (Fabian Delph), Jonjo Shelvey, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain (Theo Walcott 2), Ross Barkley 1, Jamie Vardy, Wayne Rooney 1 (Harry Kane 1)

Attendance: 4,378

Latvia v Turkey. 13/10/14

"Marian Pahars, Pahars, Pahars, he's taking us to Paris, to Paris, to Paris, and that is why we like him, we like him, we like him."

Latvia 1-1 Turkey. Skonto Stadions.
Monday 13/10/14

When Michel Platini came up with his idea for the international week of football - spreading qualifiers for Euro 2016 from a Thursday through to a Tuesday - most people described it as crazy and a cynical idea just to help boost Uefa and television companies coffers.

Of course, it is fashionable to slag off anything that football governing bodies do these days without giving a second thought to what it could actually mean. This brainchild of Monsieur Platini's is a case in a point as it actually turns out to be a fantastic idea.

Riga Old Town - a delightful area

Yes, you've read that right. Absolutely no grumblings from the good people at McCarthy's Football Travels. How can there be when the week of football is the sole reason you can take in a spine tingling international encounter between two heavyweights of the game like Latvia and Turkey?

Without it, this trip to the Baltic's would have been as pointless as giving a kiss of life to a rasher of bacon. The whole purpose of it was of course to watch Estonia v England but unfortunately beer, vodka and women conspired to create the mother of all hangovers which meant I ended up missing the entire game fast asleep back at the hostel.

Can't whack a bit of Soviet architecture

These Latvian's have certainly got their priorities right

I did however wake up in time for another heavy night on the sauce post-England game, meaning that the Monday bus journey from Tallinn back to Riga was about as fun as colonic irrigation (Google image search it if you are unsure). Having had just a few hours stopover in the Latvian capital en route to Estonia, this was a good chance to explore and it was a wonderful place. Not quite in Tallinn's league in terms of old town and drinking, but nonetheless a fine city with the added bonus of a fair bit of Soviet architecture thrown in. We do love a big Soviet building.

Skonto Stadium through the gloom of a Riga Monday evening

After an afternoon of hungover walking around, it was off to Skonto Stadions, home of Latvia and Skonto Riga. The popularity of this game was such that you could walk up to a small booth outside the entrance to the carpark and part with £10 worth of Euros for a ticket. An absolute bargain to see Southampton legend Marian Pahars' boys in action.

And that wasn't the only bargain available at Skonto. Any food inside Wembley Stadium is like paying £72 to have a lump of dead horse served up between two stale pieces of bread yet here was £3 for a gigantic plate of sausage, potato and sauerkraut. Sod stadium snacks, this was a full blown meal for two that would not only leave you full up for at least two hours but also clog an artery in an instant.

Stadium food doesn't come much better than this

I wasn't the only England fan taking advantage of the week of football - there were two England flags inside the ground and countless people from our septic isle spread throughout. That meant the Latvia merchandise kiosk - which consisted of a table and a couple of shirts hung on a wall - did a roaring trade with yours truly getting swept up in Euromania and purchasing a delightful scarf.

The Latvian merchandise kiosk doing a roaring trade

Skonto Stadion itself is bloody weird. Behind one goal the stand only stretches around 2/3rds of the pitch before meeting a huge brick building from whence the teams emerged. Behind the other goal there isn't even a stand - just a car park. Small single tiered efforts abound down both sides and with most of the noise escaping the wide open spaces the atmosphere was best described as flat.

The English get behind Latvia for the evening

Latvian Gasheads

That was despite the best efforts of the English contingent (Latvia for tonight, we're Latvia for tonight, we know we are we're sure we are we're Lativa for tonight etc etc) and the group of what seemed to be ten thousand schoolchildren situated in one corner just shouting LAT-VI-A over and over again.

Car parking behind the goal is very League Two

The main stand of Skonto Stadions

Skonto Stadions

The football itself wasn't particularly appealing either. Turkey dominated the first half as you would expect and went ahead through an absolute rocket of an effort from Bilal Kisa early in the second. The lead didn't last long, Latvia equalising through Valerijs Sabala from the penalty spot.

You know it has been a poor game when the highlight is undoubtedly supplied by the chairman's column in the programme, as it was on this occasion with the Latvian FA man telling his supporters they could expect the team "to fight for every ball and the middle square centimeter" - whatever that is.

Inspiring words about the middle square centimeter

A 90th minute red card for Latvia's Gints Freimanis came too late to allow the disappointing Turks to take something from the game. And that was that.  Having set off from London Gatwick three days earlier looking forward to Estonia v England, having to settle for a rubbish game between Latvia and Turkey wasn't exactly an ideal return for four days of traveling the Baltics no matter what brilliant, brilliant countries both Estonia and Latvia are.

But at least I got see a 11 blokes kicking a ball around eventually. And for that, hats off to Michel Platini. Long live the week of football.

Latvia v Turkey - games don't come bigger than this

The crowd go wild as Latvia equalise from the penalty spot

Latvia: Aleksandrs Kolinko, Kaspars Dubra, Aleksejs Visnakovs, Vladislavs Gabovs (Gints Freimanis), Janis Ikaunieks, Valerijs Sabala 1, Eduards Visnakovs (Deniss Rakels), Artus Zjuzins (Viktors Morozs), Aleksandrs Fertovs, Antons Kurakins. 

Turkey: Volkan Babacan, Semih Kaya, Gokhan Gonul, Umut Bulut, Arda Turan, Gokhan Tore (Hamit Altintop), Oguzhan Ozyakup (Bilal Kisa 1), Mehmet Topal, Ozan Tufan, Caner Erkin, Olcay Sahan (Buyuk Adem).

Attendance: 6,342

Estonia v England. 12/10/14

"You came all the way to Estonia and have just slept through the game? You English are so crazy."

Estonia 0-1 England. A. Le Coq Arena.
Sunday 12/10/14

London Gatwick to Tallinn is, according to the ever accurate source that is Google, 1125 miles as the crow or in this case, Air Baltic plane flies. So a return trip to Estonia's capital weighs in at a hefty 2250 miles. You would therefore have to be a total idiot to travel all that way for a game of football which you end up sleeping in your hostel through then, right?

Right. And that well and truly leaves me in the idiot category. A  browse through previous entries will quite quickly highlight that that is clearly the case, but even in the unruly world of McCarthy Football Travel's nobody has ever gone on a trip for a game of football and failed to make the game.

Pint of Coq

How did this happen? Quite simply, beer and women. It's a dangerous mix, like a wheelchair and an escalator. One minute you are looking forward to England taking on Estonia, the next you are drinking test tubes of a vile green substance suspiciously called cocaine, the next you are going home hammered at 3am, the next you are going out again with a girl you've just met at 3.30am and finally you are leaving a nightclub with the sun already up and people heading to church.

There were such high hopes for this Estonia trip as well. Leaving Riga - the capital of wonderful Latvia - early on Saturday morning, a swift four hour luxury coach journey was all that was required to reach Tallinn.

Russian flag flying in Tallinn - might be revisiting
this photo in a few years if Mr Putin get's his way

The main bus station in Tallinn was handily placed miles out of town and with the six other Brighton fans who had rendezvoused on the bus, the decision was taken to try and walk into the Old Town. Nobody seemed prepared for how cold it was going to be (Estonia, a former part of Russia, cold?! Who'd have thought it) and so the search was called off early in favour of "a quick beer and food stop" - which lived up to its name if you define "quick" as five pints and three hours.

Test tubes of cocaine

That was the start of a slippery slope. From there the famous Pub With No Name was found. This is a pub genuinely called the Pub With No Name, as opposed to a pub that hasn't got a name and it became apparent this was the main place to drink for England fans. The beer of choice? A pint of cock, or A Le Coq to give it its full and proper name which was surprisingly good and easy to drink given the standard of some of the stuff you get in the Baltics. Too good, in fact.

Nels returns with another round of test tubes. A dangerous game

After The Pub With No Name came a bar where said cocaine was taken. These were strange, luminous green shots that came in test tubes and were meant to leave the drinker feeling legless. They certainly did that at €1 a pop and after an unhealthy amount of cocaine and 3am beckoning, it was home time.

Or at least it should have been. Back in the hostel you see was a girl who worked there and, having finished her shift,  was desparate to go out. And what better opportunity for a young English chap to soak up the sights and sounds of Tallinn then with a local taking him clubbing at 3.30am on a Sunday morning? Only an idiot would turn it down....

Future wife number 137

Early confusion led to me accusing her of just wanting to go out so she could marry me and get a visa. Once we'd established that as an EU citizen she didn't need one, things went swimmingly including visiting a club that had a cage around it's dancefloor and a heated debate with a passionate local after a song involving the terms "Vladimir Putin" and "he's coming to you" came to the fore.

Leaving a club at sunrise - never a good sign

It's always a risk when you leave a club and it is daylight and that risk came back to bite me well and truly on the bottom by the time I finally woke up - at 3pm local time. No worries - a quick walk around the city to do some sightseeing, a quick beer in the Market Square and then a quick nap and kick off at the Le Coq Arena would definitely be made. Famous last words those, as that quick nap ended with half time already out the way and England about to score through Wayne Rooney to win 1-0.

England fans gather ahead of the big game

Old Town Square

Missing a game you've traveled over 1000 miles to should be lesson learnt. Well, no not quite as having slept all day we powered through the beer again all night, being the only people in the quaint Venus Bar until 3am when  the entire club was quite incredibly shut for Mike attempting to take his t-shirt off for the 3rd time.

Beautiful Tallinn - if you are awake to see it

Tallinn was a beautiful place, England got a vital three points in the same round of games that the likes of Spain, Germany and the Netherlands all struggled - and I missed most of it in bed. Still, at least there was plenty of Coq to be had.

Switzerland v England. 08/09/14

"You know who Fernando Alonso is? €100 if you can get me to Central Station quicker than he could. 20 minutes."

Switzerland 0-2 England. St Jakobs Park..
Monday 08/09/14.

For a country that never enters wars and for whom excitement is the birth of a new calf on a hill somewhere, trips to Switzerland always seem to be eventful and they always seem to involve what is more commonly known in the trade as a travel cock up.

England last played there in 2010, when the French were striking over something - I suspect having to work more than twice a week - which meant a near fatal four hour delay in getting a train from Paris to Basel for the game. No such problems this time, we'll avoid France on the way there and avoid it in the main on the way home. Famous last words.

What should have been a nice, early flight from Gatwick to Milan and then a delightful train journey through the Alps from Italy to Switzerland descended into farce as the crew of the EasyJet flight decided to turn up late meaning an hour delay. Be ten seconds late for a flight and Sir Stelios is rubbing his hands with glee, turning you away for this disgusting lack of punctuality and forcing you onto a far more expensive flight for your troubles. So the irony and anger at this turn of events was understandable.

Italian lakes

This delay meant that from getting out of Milan's Malpensa airport, there was just 30 minutes to get to Central Station - a journey that according to the even the most optimistic timings would take at least 40 minutes. God bless the Italians then and their lack of care for speed limits. Having tracked down a taxi driver who looked suspiciously like Flavio Briatore, €100 was waved under his nose if he could drive like Ferrari hero Fernando Alonso and get to the station in 25 minutes. Whether it was the money, the encouragement to break the law and do 200kph at one point or the fact this ragged looking gent was inspired by the previous days grand prix at Monza a few miles up the road, he achieved his aim and after a sprint that Usain Bolt would have been proud of through the station the train to Basel was made with 30 seconds to spare.

High on a hill sits a lonely goat

The end of the travel problems? Don't be silly, but more on that later. The train journey took five hours but it was a spectacular one. Criminally, this was my first ever visit to Italy and what a stunning place. We wound our way past lakes overlooked by massive hills, through forests, mountainsides with little houses and huts scattered all over them that made you want to burst into a Julie Andrews number. It was tempting to send a tweet to Taylor Swift comparing the beauty of it all to her, but then again that may have been the cans of Eickhoff talking.

Steinenvorstadat

Swiss fan complete with cow bell

Basel was eventually reached with the England fans gathering pre-game in Steinenvorstadt. This long, pedestrianised street had everything you need for drinking in Switzerland - a Spar where cans of Quollfrish were £1.50 as opposed to the £12 (TWELVE) a pint in a pub and plenty of places to hang flags. A good old fashioned sing song erupted, the police posed for photos, Swiss fans wandered past with cow bells and cheese and Toblerone themed hats. As you do.

This bloke had seen better days...

St Jakobs Park is a short tram ride away and from the outside you could be mistaken for thinking you'd turned up at Nelson Mandela House, Peckham rather than an international football ground. Once inside - which took half an hour due to hundreds of England fans trying to cram in through four turnstiles prior to kick off - there was little danger of seeing Del Boy and Rodney.

Nelson Mandela House, Basel

England were housed in two tiers in a corner behind the goal, exactly the same place as on our last visit. There did seem to be less this time around which, given the drop off in performances recently and the much publicised and sung about decision to award just one loyalty cap for away games as opposed to two for going to Wembley, was hardly surprising. Opposite the away end is a similar stand and down both sides two large, three tiered stands. It's a funny old ground but one that works and I'd love to get back for an FC Basel game at some point.

"2 caps for Wembley, you're having a laugh"

Given the dirge served up against the powerhouse of football that is Norway five days earlier and the fact Switzerland had a decent World Cup, most England fans agreed that they'd Suarez your arm off for a draw before the game. The fact we won, playing decent attacking football led by Raheem Sterling and the brace scoring Danny Welbeck was particularly pleasing. It did owe more credit than appears to be given though to a great first half save at 0-0 from Joe Hart with his legs and then an excellent late clearance from Gary Cahill. Still, no complaints here - the extension of Euro 2016 to 24 teams meaning with that result in the bag it will take a cock up of the sort of size of Easyjet staff being late to mean we don't qualify.

GOAL

Post game and drinking in the street was obviously out of the question so that meant biting the bullet and paying the £8 (EIGHT) for a pint of Wadenswiller. Firstly that meant Bar Rio which unfortunately shut at 1am which neccesitated the move to Papa Joes. This was the second visit in succession I'd decided to sleep rough in Switzerland and Joes once again fully encouraged this scenario, allowing people to just doze off in their bar with none of the sort of hot headed treatment such behaviour can garner in England.

Stuntman shots = not a good idea

How do you know if you've had too many tequilas? Why, when it reaches 4am and you are sick of course, at which point it is time to retire to bed or in this case a bench in the main station. At 6am it was off to catch a train to Strasbourg from where Luxembourg and a flight home would be reached. Or so I thought...

This doesn't look like Luxembourg

Except of course, I'd got away with the first travel cock up and the Gods of the European rail system weren't going to be so kind a second time. No, this train was delayed thanks predictably to some French peasant,  arriving at Strasbourg 20 minutes late meaning a missed connection to Luxembourg City and as a result a trip to Paris. From there? A £200 ticket for the EuroStar to get back to England, a decent Parisian breakfast from a cafe that was surprisingly not shut due to a strike and a quick visit to the Eiffel Tower to try and find a woman to propose to.

How's that for a cock up? Thank Christ England won

Switzerland: Yann Sommer, Steve von Bergen, Stephan Lichtsteiner, Johan Djourou, Ricardo Rodriguez, Gokhan Inler, Xherdan Shaqiri, Granit Xhaka, Valon Behrami, Haris Seferovic, Admir Mehmedi (Josip Drmic).

England: Joe Hart, John Stones, Phil Jones, Gary Cahill, Leighton Baines, Jack Wilshere, Fabian Delph, Jordan Henderson, Raheem Sterling, Danny Welbeck 2, Wayne Rooney (Rickie Lambert)

Attendance: 35,500